


Regular Tuesday Night

by Ididntsignupforthisshit (myhamartia)



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Clay Jensen, Genderfluid Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Platonic Clay/Tony, That's it.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 14:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10721361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhamartia/pseuds/Ididntsignupforthisshit
Summary: Clay gets lost in a thought, reminiscing in times past - and over old wounds that just never seem to heal.





	Regular Tuesday Night

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like, half an hour. I've looked it over as best that I could, but sadly, it isn't beta'd.
> 
> You remember that scene when they're about to climb up the rock? And Tony's like "Are you a man?" And Clay's reply goes something like "Nope. No way. I am definitely Not That." Well, I looked over to my sister in that moment, and we made eye contact, and we both KNEW that I would be writing something with genderfluid/nb Clay. It had to be done  
> Also?? There's no Clay/Jeff content ANYWHERE???? Like y'all are slacking. I gotta do it all myself smh
> 
> just kidding lmao, please enjoy the pain--

    “Clay?”

    They’ve heard their given name countless times, in all tones of voices. Everything from insufferably angry, to breathy sighs and deep moans.

    They’ve always hated it. The name meant nothing to them. It was, in a sense, hollow. Like a resounding clang, it was never substantial, only a very annoying, headache inducing sound.

    But they responded. They played the part, keeping their secrets to themself.

    Clay wasn’t naive. They knew all about this bodily discomfort, the aversion to their given name and pronouns. They was very well (self) educated when it came to things like gender and sexuality. What began as innocent curiosity and other wonder turned into realization. Bright, freeing realization.

    And then came the weight of it all. The crushing secrecy.

    It was hard, down right painful some days.

    But there were reprieves. Little ones, but they helped  _ so _ much.

    For a while, a long, long while, that reprieve was Jeff Atkins. Jeff was the first person Clay had ever come out to. When it happened, it just sort of… happened. A small question during one of their tutoring sessions brought up the issue of sexism. Sexism brought up gender roles, and gender roles brought up gender identity itself.

    Clay brought up points they no longer remember, saying things like “As a part of this community-” and using terms like “We.”

    Jeff paused. “We?” he quoted, a thoughtful frown in place.

    Clay shifted uncomfortably in their seat. “I mean…” they trailed off, swallowing thickly. “Yeah?”

    Jeff made a small O with his mouth. “So you’re…?”

    “Genderfluid,” Clay all but croaked. Their fingers tore a corner off of their sheet of lined paper.

    “Ooh,” Jeff hummed. “Cool. What’s it like?”

    Clay frowned. “What’s it like?” Jeff nodded enthusiastically. Clay made a thoughtful expression. “I dunno. I guess it’s just like being cis, just… with a lot of different thought processes and feelings? Pondering it all takes a lot out of my days normally. Oh. Dysphoria’s a Thing.”

    “Dysphoria?” Jeff questioned, his brow in a curious furrow.

    “It’s like… for  _ me _ , anyway. It’s different for everyone,” they noted seriously. “It’s like your skin is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. It just feels too tight and just wrong, I guess? Those are the days that I notice the whole  _ wrong pronoun _ thing to the extreme.”

    Jeff soaked everything in for a good minute, leaving Clay in a silent, anxious stew.. “Okay,” he said eventually. “So what are your correct pronouns, then?” Clay froze, causing Jeff to stall. “I mean, if you don’t mind me  _ asking _ -!”

    Clay snapped to life, shaking their head a bit. “No, it’s fine.  _ Good _ , even. It’s just that no one’s ever asked me that before.”

    “Oh. So… pronouns?”

    “Oh! Yeah. Gender neutral ones. Like they and them,” they answered, their head bobbing as they spoke.

    From there it was history. Jeff was amazing about it all, through their budding friendship and through their budding, but short lived relationship. Curious questions were a constant. Jeff wanted to know  _ everything _ . Clay was all too happy to answer his questions, so that their boyfriend could learn all that he wanted.

    “Clay.”

    After Jeff, that little reprieve disappeared. After Jeff, there was the soul-crushing  _ loss _ , added to their ever-mounting inner angst. They felt numb most days, utterly convinced that this pain would go on forever, steadily swallow Clay whole until there would be nothing left.

    And then it all got worse. Hanna committed suicide, and left the tapes to tell her story and every horror that came with it. Clay listened as Hannah recounted everything. They were particularly struck on Jessica’s party. The night when Jeff had tried to help Clay and Hannah’s slow-budding friendship along. Both Clay and Jeff recognized that Hannah needed someone, and Clay was trying ( _ trying _ ) to be that person. Even if their nervousness and social anxieties stopped them from doing that effectively. Jeff shooed them inside, wishing them good luck in cultivating their and Hannah’s awkward, but much-need (on both part’s) friendship.

    It was in Jessica’s bedroom that their friendly conversations stretched into the night. Clay left, just for a moment, to gather a couple of sodas when their phone vibrated with a message.

    They met Jeff out front, and Jeff told them that he was making an alcohol run.

    Clay looked significantly at the red solo cup in their boyfriend’s hand. “You’re going to drive?”

    “This is Coca-Cola,” Jeff assured them. “I had two beers, two hours ago. I’m good to drive.”

    Clay bit at their bottom lip, looking Jeff up and down. He looked sober enough, but Clay knew that wasn’t always everything. “...Okay,” they muttered eventually. “Uh, be safe.”

    Jeff snorted before leaning in and giving Clay a solid peck on the lips. “Don’t worry about me,” he said lightly against Clay’s mouth. He pulled back with a wide smile. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

    Clay watched as Jeff got into his car, and how he pulled out down the road. Clay popped their lips and stepped farther down the curb. They needed to clear their head for a second. The scent of second-hand tobacco and marijuana smoke surrounded them on all sides. They stepped up to the curb, breathing deeply in the sweet, clean breeze.

    That’s when they heard it. The crash. A gut-wrenching sound of metal scraping against metal.

    They ran.

    Clay would never forget the blood soaked face they found. The sluggish movements as Jeff looked to Clay through the busted out window.

    “Clay,” he croaked, broken and quiet.

    “It’ll be alright,” Clay promised. Their hands scrambled to yank on the door handle. It wouldn’t budge. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

    “Clay,” Jeff breathed again, reaching up through the window. Clay took Jeff’s hand in their own, squeezing tightly. They held his hand, grief stricken on on the edge of breaking down on themself.

    It didn’t last but a few seconds, but the moment would be forever etched into Clay’s mind.

    “Clay.”

    They could feel the weight in their chest, the sadness in their heart. The anger pulsing in their head.

_ “Clay!” _

    When they snapped back to themself, Clay was sitting in the chair in their bedroom, at the desk. Their eyes hurt and they burned with unshed tears.

    Tony was sitting on Clay’s bed, several school books open in front of him. His frown was deep, screaming with concern.

    “What?” Clay asked, blinking owlishly as they tried to gauge what exactly they had missed. “Sorry. What section were we on?” They looked down to their desk, trying to fight down the sting of tears and any residual pain. They could feel Tony’s eyes burning a hole near their temple.

    “Are you okay?” Tony asked gently.

    Clay cleared their throat.  _ No. _ “Yeah, of course. What section-?”

    Tony didn’t answer. “Is it Hannah?”

    Clay shook their head quickly. “No, it isn’t.” For once, it was the truth.

    “What is it?” Tony pressed carefully, like he was afraid of Clay breaking apart in front of him at any moment. Hell, maybe they would.

    They licked their lips, ducking their head. They trusted Tony - possibly more than they trusted anyone else. Maybe that’s why Clay admitted “Jeff Atkins,” in the smallest voice possible.

    Clay could practically feel Tony tense up at the mention of Clay’s deceased boyfriend. Tony was one of the few to know about Clay and Jeff’s relationship before Jeff passed. Clay was nervous about coming out as bisexual, giving all of those rumors about them truth. Not for the fact of giving them truth, but proving all of those asshole who picked on them right.

    Clay was hesitant about coming out, and Jeff respected that. He was patient with Clay.

    There was a tight ring of people who had known, including Tony, Hannah, Jeff’s family and just a few others.

    Tony pushed his books onto the floor and moved to wrap his arms around Clay’s shoulders. “C’mere.” He pulled Clay up out of the chair so he could settled them carefully on the edge of the bed. Before Clay knew it, they were both lying down with Clay tucked gently against Tony's chest.

    Here, with their nose pressed into one of the hard buttons of Tony’s plaid shirt, Clay found comfort. Even if it was small. They wrapped their arms around Tony, trying to focus on their breathing and definitely  _ not _ crying.

    But, as Tony ran his fingers through their hair, nails scratching at their scalp, Clay couldn’t help their tears. They fell, silently. Sticky and uncomfortably hot against Tony’s shirt.

    A sad realization came to Clay, that this was becoming routine. One of them would come to this situation, and the other was left to pick up the pieces, to stitch everything back together.

    This was just a regular Tuesday night.

**Author's Note:**

> please drop me a comment! I watched this show and I have so much inspiration to write more - this is just the first thing that I've been able to churn out lmao
> 
> Check me out in tumblr @peanutbutterandbitter and bat headcannons/fic idea around with me


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